Olayiwola Matthew
Hajia Hadiza Isma El-Rufai, the first wife of a former Governor of Kaduna State, Nasir El-Rufai, has said that she did not plan for a polygamous marriage when she married.
The former First Lady revealed this on her X handle on Sunday in reaction to a raging debate on polygamy on social media.
El-Rufai, who revealed that she was brought up in a monogamous home, said she did not envisage her husband would take a second wife.
She said they never discussed the issue before they got married.
However, in the course of the marriage, the former Minister of the Federal Capital Territory (FCT) married two other wives.
They are Asia Ahmad El-Rufai, and Aisha Ummi Garba El-Rufai.
The former First Lady wrote, unedited:
A few days ago, the hot topic on social media was polygamy. Allow me to add my two cents (two kobos?) to the discourse.
There are several types of marriages that are being practised around the world. These include monogamy (one man, one wife), polygyny (one man, two or more wives) and polyandry (one woman, two or more husbands). Though polyandry exists, it is rare. All these marriages are valid depending on the environment. And who is to say that one is superior to the other? After all, even same-sex marriages are legitimate in some places.
In Nigeria, we practise monogamy and polygyny. I will subsequently refer to polygyny as polygamy because that’s what we are used to calling it.
My husband was raised in a polygamous family, while I, by contrast, grew up in a monogamous one. When we agreed to get married, I envisaged a monogamous marriage, even though the subject was never discussed.
Now I find myself in a polygamous marriage, not by choice initially, but subsequently by choice. I say ‘not by choice initially’ because the transformation of our marriage from a monogamous one to a polygamous one was my husband’s choice and not mine. I say ‘subsequently by choice’ because deciding to remain in the marriage was my choice and nobody else’s.
We got married under Islamic law and under that law, a woman reserves the right to opt out of a marriage, even without giving a reason. One condition, though, is that she must return the dowry that was paid to her. (Could that have influenced my decision to stay? Because, frankly, by that time, I don chop my dowry clean mouth. LOL).
Anyway, jokes apart, it is often said that ‘when life gives you lemons you make lemonade’ and that’s what I’ve tried to do. I decided to look at the good side of things.
Let me list below some of the advantages of polygamy for a first wife:
· You’ll have more time to focus on your career, your interests and do what you’ve always wanted to do.
· You’ll have more time for your children.
· If you, like me, are of the same age as your husband, and you’ve both started experiencing the signs of old age, you won’t be expected to rub his back. Because… who will rub yours?
· The wahala of In-laws will be divided and shared.
By contrast however, apart from one thing, I cannot think of any advantage of polygamy for a man. But then again, I understand that that one thing is very important.
Really, at the end of the day, it is: ‘To Each His Own’.
Let’s keep striving to be happy. We only have one life to live.